In vain the victim: how to stop living for others

In a way, sacrifice is what we were taught since childhood. The willingness to sacrifice your own interests for the sake of others, to help, not to seem rude to share things with each other. Think about how often other people have told us what is worth to be kinder, more generous, more sympathetic.

Life for myself and the satisfaction of their own desires have always been blamed and helpfulness was highly appreciated. Only in adult life this leads to the fact that in man awakens guilt and the feeling that it is always someone that has to. Together with psychologist Christina Hrybova understand the problem.

Often the victim’s behavior was observed in women. From them you can hear “I for him did everything, and he did not appreciate/have gone to another.” To the question “why did you do it?” the answer was always the same: “I thought he would also treat me.” That is, giving women would like to get something in return.

Someone working multiple jobs to support both, while the partner was in search of himself, someone completely took the child-rearing and domestic responsibilities while her husband worked in the office, someone sacrificed career for family, someone’s favorite Hobbies, because it was uncomfortable the second half. The list can be continued indefinitely, but one conclusion: complete self-sacrifice is not the way to a long and happy relationship, and depreciation of your self.

This happens for two reasons. The first reason stems from the fact that the woman from the beginning is not established in the relationship of the boundaries of acceptable and indicated their second half. The fear that these boundaries scare off a man, forced to agree to something you don’t want and what you don’t like.

The second reason is “nedolyublennosti” in childhood and the desire to compensate for the lack of these feelings. But in order to get them, you need to try to please and expect praise, because it was opened from childhood. However, this path leads to codependent relationships, the script of which is then very difficult to change. In such a relationship, your sacrifice will not appreciate, and all things taken for granted, and instead of thanking the woman gets the complaint and reproach, that breeds resentment and dissatisfaction with life.

How to deal with the problem

First you need to learn to love yourself and understand your desires. The man who does not know what love for yourself, you will not be able to love another. Remember that the path of the victim in the name of love has nothing to do with love. Start being honest with yourself, think about what you would like for yourself, and don’t go on about their complexes.

Instead of having to give someone, try to give yourself. Think about your dreams and ideas and bring them to life. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to learn to play tennis or learn Spanish. Start to take care of themselves (see also: 4 surefire ways to increase self-esteem).

Learn to be self-sufficient individuals. You do not need to be strong and independent, you just need to understand that you are important to themselves and others, appreciate you, and most importantly, you value yourself and love yourself for who you are.

Pay attention to those who commands respect from society. Try to learn from them the qualities that they enjoy. As a rule, people with well-built lifestyle. They clearly know what they want, and certainly know what I don’t want, even if it is not like the others. By embarking on this path, you will find your confidence will begin to value ourselves available quality, and are unlikely to want to try to win someone’s love victims in vain.

Kristina Gribova is a psychologist.

  1. How to stop worrying and start living
  2. How to become self-sufficient: 10 mantras of a confident woman
  3. The eternal sacrifice: how to communicate with people, which is always bad
  4. Girl power: 8 inspiring books about strong women

Photo: Getty Images